Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Metaphors For Life

Board games fascinated me as a kid, and simultaneously made me intensely competitive. Unlike athletics, the winners of these games were based on luck, chance, and careful strategy on occasion (i.e, I could win them).

I used to think The Game of Life was an accurate metaphor for real life, that it was a series of exciting events and checkpoints, to be followed in an orderly manner. Now that I think about it, life is more like Mousetrap. Not in gameplay much, but that it's made in order to teach children persistence and patience, but mostly we either made up new rules or gave up entirely. In gameplay, life is much like Clue(do? Does Canada engage in this pointlessness?), played in reverse. Life starts out very simply: people, locations, objects, all the basic nouns and concepts laid out in an orderly manner. But then it unravels, people start asking questions and things become less and less clear, and, eventually, death. In a variety of ways. Strange tangent: the word "variety" makes me think of foods that come in various flavors in the same container, e.g. jellybeans and other types of candy. Which makes me think that death has a flavor. (Which will you pick, children? The rare, exciting Fatal Freak Accident Fruit Punch? Old Age Orange? Gunfight Grape?)

The "life is like a box of chocolates" metaphor, however--getting to the title--is now rendered inaccurate, because most chocolate manufacturers include a little map of where the chocolate is. The random element of chocolate consumption is gone. And sometimes we need random elements, lest life become some horrible, predictable monotony.

Monday, February 7, 2011

An Exercise in Parentheses

(You know what's annoying? I'll tell you what's annoying. It's annoying when you have lots of different internet accounts that you made at various stages in your life when you were using different email accounts for all of them and then Google suddenly owns all of those websites and you get a Gmail account and then every time you sign into a Googled-owned website you are logged in using your Gmail account even though that's not the correct one and it's very annoying but you're too lazy to change all of your accounts to the same Gmail email address. Hrrrrrrmph.)

(I have ingested so many croissants today. I'm ashamed to tell you how many croissants I've eaten. Fine, that's a lie. I would tell you but I don't know. I think I lost count. I'm going to die from a butter overdose. It'll be worth it. Do you feel like a total tool when you say the word "croissant" out loud? Are you supposed to pronounce it with the fancy phlegmy French "argh" -- that's not meant to be a tutorial on how to pronounce it, by the way -- or with the more colloquial but also more painful American "crrrrrraaassant?" I usually compromise by going with the "wah" sound -- "cwahssant" -- so I guess I find the small child with a speech problem approach to be a more acceptable solution.)

(Wednesday, we commence playing Banana Assassin. #fuckyesenviro)

(I signed up to donate blood today. Rationally, I'm not scared at all; I figure the pain will be something like getting a shot for 10 minutes, which isn't too bad. However, that doesn't mean that the irrational part of my brain won't make me pass out during the actual thing so, hmm, comforting. Also, as my friend so wisely pointed out, a month ago I wouldn't shut up complaining about how I probably have anemia, so why did I sign up to donate blood? The answer to which is, of course, I am a whiny bitch who is probably a secret attention whore. The practitioners do a quick blood test before the actual donating process, so I guess this will be the moment of truth.)

(Shit I am scared of bugs larger than small flies -- but only when they're indoors, or outdoors but very very large. I hate admitting that; it's such a cliché fear. Oh my god such a hipster being scared of bugs is so mainstream. To be more accurate, it's such a stupid fear. I don't want to be afraid of bugs. I want to dance with the bugs. I want to be bugs' best friends and help them build their nests of leaves. But I have such a stupid, involuntary physical reaction to seeing largeish bugs inside of my house, shuddering and shivering and blergh. Just blergh, goddammit.)

Hi. How was your day?

Sunday, February 6, 2011

In which I find myself

You know what happens when the older sister that you've always loved, admired, looked up to, idolized, etc. moves to another city and you feel like your partner in crime is gone?
You know that moment where you're floundering around in a tide of musky gray, trying to figure out the bearings of who you are without the convenient guidepost you've covered in moss and forgotten how much you needed?

I sound almost horrifically emo above but this is something I've grown accustomed to the further I venture into writerdom. Sometimes people are emo. And sometimes those people blog their emo thoughts. Imaginary chill pill, anyone?

Who am I? What is this "be yourself" business. How do I figure out how to be myself?

Questions echo, bouncing around a room that ceases to exist. I am codependent. Not on a man-beast or sparkly vampireChristmas tree but on a network of human beings who take care of me and keep me sane and listen to me and will love me for always, unconditional as the sun.

And with a delicate sadness for those who do not share that kind of love and support, I'm grateful for it. I may not know who I am or would be without my family but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe there are too many variables to keep track of, too many circumstances that reflect who you are and who you become. Maybe we just need to want to know ourselves and love ourselves and try to understand that we're constantly changing, even if it never feels like it (especially on birthdays).

Life is good.

p.s. I booked a road test for my novice licence which, in case you don't live in BC, means I can drive a car on my own or with one other passenger plus as many family members as will legally fit in the car. And that is terrifyingly terrific. May 17th. 8:30am.

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Contemplatively Stir Crazy

Keeping with the theme (it's honestly like we have a common mind, this is what I've been thinking about in my snowed-in stupor anyway. 20 inches of snow, in case you were wondering. Piles of it up to my waist. I need to get out of the house; I can feel my sanity slipping. Therefore, apologies are in order regarding the coherency of this post, as it is now 12:03 am.), morality is gray. It's about 6 billion different shades of gray, sometimes grayer than we'd like to accept, and there's not much we can do about other people's moral grayness except define our own personal grayness and surround ourselves with people who are of similar grayness, like the difference between Slate Gray and Wolf Gray in a box of crayons. And the only real way to escape our mental bubble of philosophy and try to clarify/modify/vindicate this individual grayness is to consider other people's perspectives, instead of dismissing them as wrong or just ignoring them. It's not like this will create a common grayness in the least, but is at least beneficial on a personal level. Wow, I just summarized almost everything Vita said in terms of crayons and redundancy that has left me in constant danger of accidentally typing "gayness". This metaphor has gotten overextended and redundant, is anyone still following me?

I'mma keep going, either way.

Everyone searches for a definitive stance on (INSERT ISSUE HERE), politics, religion, or even just life in general, which is ideal and convenient but realistically unattainable, like Vita said. It's just so easy to be absolute in our moral resolve--especially, much as I hate to invoke cliche, at this age. Not that I can speak for anyone else, but pondering these types of things has a tendency to boggle my mind. Not in a good or bad way, it just does. Possibly because I have too much time on my hands and fixate on ideas.

Your thoughts? (I feel like there's been a huge decrease in comments lately--no small fault of mine. Comment Revolution, anyone?)

Friday, February 4, 2011

Philosophical at 2 a.m.

Funny how Alex should bring up the everlasting question of morality. You can't escape references to morality in any intellectual setting; books, art, politics, philosophy, everything seems to revolve around different people's perceptions of morality. Lord knows I've discussed it in school enough times. Yet it never ceases to be a fascinating topic for the simple reason that every person on this planet has a different idea (even if sometimes it's only a infinitesimal difference) of what constitutes as moral and immoral and thus your conversation about the topic will always be slightly or perhaps radically different. The opinions of others influence our own opinions, too, even those of us with the thickest skulls and most squared shoulders, and discussion remains the best way to learn and to shape your own definition of morality.

At any rate, the topic of morality has frequented my thoughts as of late. I believe this whole philosophical attitude started a few months ago as an introspective look at myself, at which point I realized that my self-evaluation had evolved into an evaluation of humanity as a whole. A stranger to the class may find it ironic that my Environmental Science class has provoked me to move away from blindly accepting that we must always do what's best for the environment and to move towards taking a critical look at all of the possible solutions to a problem in the environment, both conservative and liberal. It's something that I actually very much appreciate; our teacher provides ample time for discussion and debates about environmental issues ranging from water usage to saving endangered animals to eight year old bear hunters. It's not as if I've suddenly transformed into a "Drill, baby, drill" type gal and of course I'm still very pro-wildlife/nature/environment, but the often well-reasoned arguments from people on all different stances on the issue is an incredibly formative experience. That class has, I think, played a large role in my questioning of what is morality and if humans even have basic morals, and if so, what are they, and why do we have them?

Essentially -- if I can hope to summarize months' worth of cluttered thoughts -- my casual philosophy on human nature consists of two parts. Firstly, I establish that I completely reject the concept that humans are inherently good or evil; we typically have certain good and bad qualities when we first spring into existence but they don't define who we are. The second part of my philosophy mainly springs from an intense internal discussion about how one can justify people's such wildly varying opinions on every issue, from God and religion to who's morally justified for fighting in a war to whether we should conserve or exploit the environment. I'm not one for philosophical blanket statements -- I seriously doubt that humans can be explained away in a theory -- and I don't have any sort of answer to the question of "why are we here?," as I really rather do reject all religious answers to that question and I can't accept the more scientific explanation that we're just here to procreate and carry on the species. I don't believe that humans are superior to any other living species, but I certainly think that our consciousness and our ability to manipulate technology and, to a certain extent, control nature sets us apart from other animals in that we are both blessed with and burdened by the added responsibility of being held accountable for our actions; for facing the dilemma of not knowing how many natural resources we can use before we're overstaying our welcome, so to speak; we seem to be limited not by a natural instinct that other species have that tells them what they need to survive and when to stop, but by our own conscious beliefs. I'm a bit of a hardcore Agnostic with no real faith in God/a god, so I don't really believe that a higher power set our brains up so that we would work perfectly in this world; but I do believe -- or at least I think I do -- that we are, as a species, self-regulating. You see, the explanation that I have come up with for why our disagreements about ideology and other non-concrete controversial topics is because we need both the peace lovers and the violence lovers and everyone in between to keep our population and our treatment of the environment in check. To put it in plainer terms, I think that perhaps it's almost a good thing, or at least not a straight-up bad thing, that we have people who want to go to war, because they are somewhat canceled out by the number of people who support the opposite direction, peace. I think that we all have different ideas of morality and life and death and responsibility to the environment because we all balance each other out in the end. We need one extreme to balance out the other extreme; we have less drastic, more internal conflicts to provide more moderate options. And you're always going to have people who go overboard (at least in some people's opinion) to save the environment because they are counteracted by the people who go out of their way to not save the environment because they think that we'll be perfectly safe no matter what. So, to a certain extent, I don't think it matters, on a large scale, that we have extremists in either direction, because: we don't know what our responsibility on Earth is. We have literally no way of taking a step away from Earth and objectively looking at the situation. We are living in the world and we have to make decisions and actions based on what we know, not what really exists (which may be different in some cases). And the only way for us to ensure that we don't completely destroy the planet or each other is to have all of these people with these wildly different opinions because, in some crazy way, they balance each other out until we reach a more moderate overall population.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

It's not January anymore

I think we survived the first month of 2011. Writing that, it occurred to me that you, person reading this, have never heard me say 2011 out loud and I feel a strong need to tell you that I do not say it 'twenty-eleven.' I am a 'two thousand-eleven'er all the way.

This may seem absurd. After all, in a world of abbreviations, short cuts, lols, auto complete and general laziness, why waste time on an extra syllable? Hell, why even bother with the twenty/two thousand? We could shorten it to just saying the '11 part and would people care? Why are we still recording history in regards to the somewhat archaic birth of Christ anyway? Why do we still use the Roman calendar? 365 and 1/4 days per year? 12 months with either 30 or 31 days and even one with only 28?

Nonsensical!

But what makes sense? Honestly, I'm just screaming even more nonsense into a universe of ramblings and inconsistency. I think we've gotten to the point where we cling to any scrap of familiar as the world shifts around us so rapidly. Sure, some people think technology is great and we're ridiculously advanced and humans are the most awesome thing that every happened to the planet and we need to keep moving forward towards technology and someday we'll fix everything if we throw away everything we've made obsolete...

Yet most technological advancements are built on the past, especially software. A book I was reading called You Are Not A Gadget by Jaron Lanier shows how easy it is for a whimsical design to become locked it. And so even when we think we're moving out of the past, we're just creating our own version of it.

Technology may have advanced in the last two thousand/one hundred/fifty/twenty/ten/however many years but human beings haven't really. Not morally. We're still angry, angsty, jealous, hot headed, judgmental, self serving--not individually but generally. So while Hank is super excited about a big telescope and a new Apple product seems to emerge every other week, I'm still questioning whether we're morally advanced enough to handle it all. What's changed since Christ was around and religious prosecution was the norm? Do we learn from history or are we doomed to repeat it?

Yup. It's Thursday.