Three of my friends read this and said that they liked it, but they're my friends so they may be morally obligated to say that. (Not that you, Alex & Rena, are my enemies, but you know, the internet sometimes allows you to be more honest...) Especially since I shared it with three people in my English class and they didn't like it so much. In fact, one of them explicitly said that he didn't understand what I was trying to say. Now, I know what I'm trying to say, so it's difficult for me to see if this is legitimately confusing or not. All in all, I'm trying to figure out if this is total crap and is just me trying to hard to be pseudo-poetic or if the three people in my peer edit group just didn't get it. (Nothing against them; they're all intelligent people - probably more than I am, honestly - but, I don't know, I haven't yet figured out how IB English grooves.)
I'd appreciate your brutal honesty on this (although I'd appreciate it more if it is phrased not so brutally :] ). A) do you understand the overall synopsis of what is going on, b) do you think it reveals something about me and/or my personality, and c) do you think I should stick with this or try a different approach entirely? Also, d) if you think I should stick with this (disregard this question if you hate it), should I use more complete sentences (for example, should the first sentence be "I'm/I am lying here...") and e) what do you think of the italics? And f) is reserved for any miscellaneous comments of yours.
By the by, this is supposed to be 100 words or less, which is why it's so short. If you're critiquing this, though, don't worry about the word count; I can edit that down later. :)
"Lying here in her basement, staring at those blurry glowing Christmas lights. Force my eyelids closed. Ignore the muffled red light. Think about not thinking. Wonder, if I don’t think, am I dead? My deadweight of a hand trembles, slaps my forehead in either exhaustion or reprimand. Jesus, what am I so worried about? Worried about not sleeping. I sigh and fumble for my glasses, shove them back on my face, languidly adjust them with the heel of my palm. Little twinkle lights are sharper now, little demonic lasers. Still can’t see my enemy."
Thank you thank you thank you so much. You guys are awesome.
6 comments:
My first question: Whose basement??? Second question: Who is the enemy? I don't find that clear enough. I don't know if it's just me and that guy in your English class but that is how I feel.
I like it. I don't quite get it, but I like that. It's kind of like a choose your own adventure. It reveals more about the reader in their interpretation than it does about the writer.
a) do you understand the overall synopsis of what is going on?
Honestly, not really. I want to. I really do. I have some theories but all of them seem stupid. I think it needs to be more clear but please tell me what it means because I want to know. My theories which all seem extremely reaching and random (a few of these actually come from my sisters):
1. It is about a boy who is lying in his girlfriend's basement waiting for her to come home so they can have sex for the first time and he's freaking out. (this doesn't make sense to me but my sister said this immediately after I finished reading it to her and she seemed convinced so I figured I'd add it)
2. It is about a semi-depressed, glasses wearing insomniac who is lying in someone's basement trying to fall asleep and failing to.
3. It is about some person who is taking refuge in a friend's basement after a traumatic incident at Christmas (possibly involving a abusive parent) and can't fall asleep and is shaken up and blaming themselves for what happened.
I feel like it's going to have a really simple meaning that I'm just not getting and you'll tell me and I'll be like "Oooooooohh. Of course." Please put me out of my misery.
b) do you think it reveals something about me and/or my personality?
I think all writing says something about its writer but, not knowing what this is about for sure, I don't know *what* it says about you. Is it you narrating it or some made up person? If it's you, I say you have issues sleeping. If it's not you personally, I'm not sure what it says (but if you tell me what it means, I could try to figure it out). It definitely says a lot.
c) do you think I should stick with this or try a different approach entirely?
I don't know what you're trying to approach but I like the piece. The mystery of what it's about had me reading it again and again but there's just something I couldn't put my finger on.
d) if you think I should stick with this (disregard this question if you hate it), should I use more complete sentences (for example, should the first sentence be "I'm/I am lying here...")
That depends. First, is it meant to be like a story or an internal monologue? Because if it's just the thoughts going through someone's head, it makes sense that there might not be complete sentences. But if you're conveying information, it makes sense to add the subject into the sentence.
The way it is, there's kind of a mystery of the POV. "Lying here in her basement..." actually says a lot, just by not having the 'I'm' there. Because it doesn't actually have a subject doing anything, it catches my attention immediately. Who's lying in her basement? Are you trying to draw attention to the identity of the narrator? If so, leave it. If not, change it.
e) what do you think of the italics?
I don't completely understand their placement. Why is 'Jesus' in italics but not 'What am I so worried about?'? I like the use of italics in general, I just don't understand the purpose here. Are they being used for emphasis or to communicate that the italicized words are being thought?
f) is reserved for any miscellaneous comments of yours.
As I've said, I do like it. I like how it feels unsure, like I can tell that the narrator isn't really certain of what's going on or the thoughts they have. It has a tentative feel. It is poetic, but not disgustingly so. Some parts just don't click for me though. I don't like the use of deadweight after you've just said dead. For some reason it feels awkward to read. Maybe it'll be clear when I know the meaning but it seems random that this person is in "her basement". How relevant is that?
Can I say again that I like it, even not completely getting it? Tell me more and I shall review. Hopefully this wasn't too much.
Ahaha. Sorry to disappoint your sister, but no, it's supposed to mean #2. Basically it's just about not being able to fall asleep. xD
What I got from this is, essentially, rewrite the hell out of this piece. xD If you don't understand it without a lot of further explanation, then I'm clearly not doing my job correctly.
From this, I've got a good idea of what I need to change, so that's good. I need to make it less cryptic, for one thing.
I may ask you for a second opinion tomorrow (after I've rewritten it), if you don't mind? Although honestly you've been super super helpful already, so thank you! I mean that sincerely. :)
I've lost the benefit of commenting with no explanation, and at the risk of saying "ditto" incredibly verbosely, here goes:
A.) A bit, but mostly from your comment. But I like the open-endedness. It's vague yet relatable and it makes me want to know more about what's going on. (I realize this isn't a desirable quality in an actual assignment, and 100 words aren't enough to *tell* everything, but I like it.)
B.) If you're the narrator, then, yes?
C.) and D.) I like the internal monologue/two-sided-thought-conversation approach. Considering the narrator is tired/stressed, the choppy, starting-sentences-with-verbs-thing conveys that.
E.) The italics make sense to some extent, it's like they're the voice of some subconscious second person, it's just "Jesus" that doesn't really fit that pattern, like Alex said.
F.) STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional anything, most certainly not a professional literary critic. Taking into account my vague opinion may result in confusion, carpal tunnel syndrome, and in rare severe cases, failure of your English course and death.
JK/JK. ;)
Rena: Totes agree about the italics. Fixed it, I think. Also agree about vagueness. Hopefully fixed that too. Everything else you said: thank you thank you! You're so awesome-slash-helpful-slash-helpfully-awesome! :)
Rewritten version (hopefully this makes more sense, because this 100 words business is getting on my nerves):
--- I’m lying here in her basement, staring at those blurry glowing Christmas lights. They’re usually friendly enough, but now at 3 a.m., I swear they’re trying to burn my retinas.
--- I force my eyelids closed. Think about not thinking. My deadweight hand slaps my forehead in exhaustion or reprimand – asking, “Why are you so worried?” [pretenditalics] Can’t sleep, hand. [/pretenditalics] I sigh and fumble for my glasses, shove them back on my face, languidly adjust them with the heel of my palm. Little twinkle lights are sharper now, little demonic lasers. Why can’t it be that easy to refocus my thoughts?
A lot less confusing. :) Now I must warn that now that I'm getting into actual sentences/wording this is all subjective and you are, as the writer, fully allowed to reject whatever I suggest. I don't want you to wreck your piece just because *I* think it would be stronger. Got it? Okay. Now...
The second sentence ("They're usually friendly...") seems a little heavy (I don't mean really deep, if that's what this came across as. I mean a bit to many words). If it were me, I would limit the pronouns. (Something like: "Usually friendly enough, at 3 a.m., I swear they're trying to burn my retinas.")
I really like what you've done with the questioning hand/answer in italics. It makes sense to reveal the information by answering the hand, if that makes sense. It's artfully done.
Second last sentence, it bothers me that it says little twice, for some reason. If the repetition doesn't have a purpose, I would chance the second one to 'tiny' or something else.
I totally love the referencing of refocusing thoughts/wearing glasses, I'm just not so sure about the wording. I would prefer something like "If only I had glasses for my unfocused thoughts."
Yay! I like the changes you've made so far. Good luck with the rest.
Post a Comment