Problems

Teachers have told me that I'm good at English. Friends who have casually read some of my essays or other writing pieces say that I write well. My mom says that I have a talent for the language (as mothers are somewhat obligated to say). I've been pretty proud of some things I've written in the past, if I do say so myself. I think that I am good at English.

But what does that even mean, to be good at English? Good at what? Getting high marks on papers? Writing? Reading? I don't know. I can't consume large amounts of text in a small period of time, like some people can. I write honestly: what sounds good, something that I would want to read if I wasn't myself. Despite what I may have said in previous IRL conversations, I do work hard at my English assignments. I think about what I want to say and then I try to capture my thoughts as honestly as possible. That's the best I can do. I know my writing is flawed; I know I have a lot to learn. I try to be open to suggestions and criticism because I know all of that. I try -- sometimes unsuccessfully - to correct myself according to the critiques of teachers. But I don't want to conform to some hard-lined standard in which you have to say this and this and this in order to be good. I want to write how I want to write. And if other people don't like how I write, well, maybe I'll never get published, but at least I'll be honest.

The real problem lies in this year's English class. It's hard. I'm barely maintaining an A, and while I'd be satisfied -- if not exactly happy -- with that grade in most of my other classes, it's sort of shaking my self-esteem. I'm constantly reevaluating myself: do I truly have a talent for writing, or is it just that have I previously written well in comparison to other people my age? Does my teacher miss the point, or do I try too hard to be poetic? Does the class I'm in ignore the creativity of writing, or is is simply too difficult for me to measure up? Objectively, there are certain things in my writing that I know I need to work on -- namely, organization. I always have a lot to say, but I have much trouble in finding the key point I want to make. It's floating in fragments around my brain and I can't always patch together the pieces. But am I beyond repair? Do I need to start looking for other options?

It's a disorienting thought, but one that I must contemplate. I'm only sixteen, but sometimes I feel like so much of my future has already been decided by my past.