Draft January 12/5/10-- Dissecting Rudolph

Italics by Alex--ooh, that should be the name of typeface or something. Rhymes FTW.

Non-italics (The internet says the technical term is "Oblique") by Rena

Scary and ominous title, I know, but set aside those creepy memories from grade eight when you dissected that sheep's eye and come with me on a magical journey in a special sleigh.

Maybe this blog is spurred on by the fact that I worked a few more hours than I would have liked this week at a store where our radio station of choice plays Christmas songs. All the time.

If you wish to maintain whatever fond association you've had with this cheerful tune about a reindeer ostracized because of his luminous nasal pigmentation and subsequently vindicated by jolly old Saint Nick, turn back now.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,

Had a very shiny nose.

(Why? Radiation? Drug abuse? Rare--possibly fatal--genetic disorder?)

And if you ever saw it,

You would even say it glows.

(But no one has, that's the point. Who are we to take your word for it, narrator, hmm?)

All of the other reindeer,

Used to laugh and call him names.

(All much too vulgar for publication.)

They never let poor Rudolph,

Join in any reindeer games.

(Clever euphemism, o narrator.)

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,

Santa came to say:

(Here the lyrics suggest a kind of torrid, possibly drug-induced, late-night, mythical-humanoid-on-mythical-deer love affair.)

"Rudolph with your nose so bright,

Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

(This being his only redeemable quality. Santa is magical and could have seen through any weather condition, thus accomplishing nothing but making Rudolph feel useful out of guilt.)

Then all the reindeer loved him.

(*winkwink*)

And they shouted out with glee,

"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,

You'll go down in history!"

Thus ends the tale of a lonely young deer, whose talents were revealed to his peers only after he did their boss a favor. You can have those creepy memories back now.