It's less the schoolwork for actual school that briefly stunned me, though; it's the work I have to do to get ready for applying to college. I'm a bit excited to actually apply for college. I hear it's stressful and I feel absolutely behind and clueless on the whole process -- I swear, I do not know how my classmates and their parents know so much about the college process; I have an older sister in college and I still have no idea what they're talking about half the time -- and I have concerns about college itself, but filling out the applications feels like a major milestone. It's the first serious step I'll take towards seriously deciding on a serious post-high school plan. That's awesome -- and I do mean that in its awe-inspiring definition rather than in the slang sense.
In some ways, college seems like a buffer period for middle and upper class American kids. Living on your own without really living on your own; graduating school and yet still going to school; summer vacations and low-paying jobs and internships; the knowledge that your parents' house is still available to you as a permanent residence. It also seems to be a place where kids go to figure out what they want to do with their lives. That's one of the reasons why I'm a bit apprehensive towards this whole college phenomenon. I really dislike school right now -- a lot more than I did in sophomore year or previously. What if I get to college and I don't like school any better? And I feel like such a jerk to go to college just to figure out what I want to do; it seems like such a privileged waste of money to spend two years waffling about, trying to decide if I want to major in European art history from 1800-1882 or the effects of the Roman civilization on modern warfare.* I did seriously consider taking a gap year after high school, but I'm worried that if I do that, I'll end up just wasting a year doing stupid things I don't care about and that it'll be totally unproductive and unhelpful. Be it a fact or just a belief that's been pounded through my head for the past fifteen years, I do feel like going to college will ultimately expand my options in life, especially given that I don't plan on eking out a living on pure talent alone.**
Basically, I'm at a total loss as to what I want to do and even, in the more practical sense, what I should do. Not to turn this little worry session into a philosophical rambling, but since I really believe that this life is the only one I'll ever have, I don't want to waste it. The two goals of anyone's life should be to make a positive impact on the world and to simply be happy (hence the satisfaction post on Friday). I want to do both of those things... it's just the 'getting there' part that's hella*** difficult.
Talking about school in the middle of the summer sucks; I try to avoid doing it. I already complain enough during the school year and I don't want it to ruin my summer. It's one of those things that gets worse the longer it sits silently festering, though, so I'm getting this school angst out here in the hope that it will bother me less in the near future.
*Neither of these are actual options on the grounds that I'm deeply uninterested in both topics and also I don't think they're real majors.
**Mostly because I don't have any talents that are good enough that anybody would feel remotely inclined to pay me for the privilege of experiencing.
***I really should stop typing that; I don't live in California...or anywhere people say that...
1 comment:
Oh thank god, someone else who's confused! Honestly, everyone I know has been so utterly certain about what they're gong to do with their lives and/or major in (since as early as the flipping SIXTH GRADE. What 11 year old thinks about college seriously?), and it's been making me feel like a total bum. I've considered majoring in sociology/anthropology (there's some overlap but I haven't quite decided). For how long? Less than a year. That's pretty different from being completely firm in this consideration for almost seven.
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