slightly obnoxiously endearing excuses/references

Watch out, Alex is taking over the blog!!! She can't be tamed.

--we will return after these short messages--
Talking about yourself in the third person again? Are your friends starting to think of you of the annoyance that should not, under any circumstance, be invited to social gatherings? Dr. Backterfirst can help you! No, this is not Dr. Backterfirst speaking. This is someone else. Call 1-800-I Can't Think Of Anything Witty.
--and we're back--

*long exhale* I can't explain myself. This is fitting actually, because hayleyghover* posted a video response on YouTube today about excusing your behavior with pop culture references until it isn't funny anymore and then continuing to do it until it is. Funny again, I mean.

I was having so much fun reading the comments of that video that I thought I would bring them over here. Also, I am devoid of original ideas. Also, I thought it would be useful to have a database of excuses that are not only hilarious but also valid. Use at your own risk.

My own idea is from The Breakfast Club. Whenever someone has a general complaint about the state of the world, I'll say, "Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place."
I don't think anyone else gets it but I enjoy the reference.


I also explain my more absurd behavior by saying, "Cause I'm hot like that." I think it covers a diverse range of actions.


A lot of other things I say can be traced directly back to Gilmore Girls. Honestly, I've gotten so many of my expressions from Gilmore Girls that I don't even remember where they came from. Except I know they probably came from Gilmore Girls, especially when I'm watching reruns. Thank you, Amy Sherman Palladino. You rock my world.


Now for the rest, curteousy of YouTube. Usernames should be linked, some have been slightly edited for context. I hope this helps you with your random referencing. Tell me in the comments how many of the actual references (rather than the random responses) you got.

Something inexplicable or out of the blue happen? Say:

 "It must have happened because the plot demanded it." ThongManX

Need to distract from a topic? Say:

"Then tell me this, why is a banana radioactive?" ThatAaronWilsonKid 

Awkward silence? Remedies:

Sing the Lion King opening. "The Circle of LIIIIIIIIFE." imnotuniqueimmonique

Say, "Don't blink. Blink and you're dead!" ageeksrevenge

Do you need a strongly vocalize your disagreement with someone? Yell:

"YOU'RE A LIAR!" CatrionaHD or

"Your comment is completely irrelevant." or

"SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE!" nerdgrlsquared 

Need a scapegoat? Blame...

Warner Chilcott. Seaphire7 or

..,it on the alcohol. Eiznekcam4

or say:

 "F**kin' Lauren." iamtheveggiemonster 

Did someone just tell you to stop? Say

•  "collaborate and listen," or
• "Hammer time!" or
• "in the naaaame of love." alliekat16 

Confused? Say:

 "WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HEAAAAAHHHHHH?????" tinallama11

Are other people confused because of something you've said? Say:

"Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon!" or 

"I'M NOT AN OWL!" wazzuphan

Need to warn a friend off something? Say:

"Don't go down there, Mr. Frodo." GreenFairyPrincess 

Is someone trying to make you do something untrue to who you are? Scream:

"GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN!!!!!" Tree023 

Just want people to leave you alone?

"I'm a child of divorce, give me a break." peridotbaby or

"VOLDEMORT KILLED MY PARENTS!" ohceecee

People trying to get you down? Tell 'em:

 "You can't stop the beat!' nerdygeekydorkygirl 

Need to convince some of your plans worthiness? Say: 

"IT'S FOR THE GOOD OF THE PEOPLE." SaoPauloOrBust

Impressed or sarcastic? Say, while clapping: 

Great story. Tell it again. gredandforge7

If a friend does something noteworthy: 

"You go Glen Coco!" Beniqwa 

Feel like expressing anger but not quite sure how? Say:

"My name is Indigo Mantoya, you killed my father, prepare to DIE." FiveFangirlsFTW

Need an epic way to end a story or blog post? Say:

 "And then they made me their chief." HallowsNotHorcruxes7  

*Who, in case you were wondering, was my introduction to the John Green's books (I read An Abundance of Katherines first) and thus the vlogbrothers.

I went to school on a tangent

Alriiiiight.

Oh God. I hate it when I unconsciously* say that and get reminded of my old Fake Teacher Who Shall Remain Unnamed (Ms. _______).

I have a confession: I've actually been to school. Not REAL school. Well, yes, real school. But it was mostly fake school. What I mean to say is that, when I was in grade six, I went to an elementary school on Tuesdays for a pretend school program with other homeschoolers. I feel like it's tarnished my rep as a Never Been to School-er. I comfort myself with the fact that it wasn't REAL school.

It was kind of real. I mean, there was hopscotch and dodgeball and tetherball and recess and sitting at a desk and some light homework and a bunch of other relatively lame make work type activities. I still have a relic from it, a papier mache tiger mask on my bedroom wall. I have weird decorating tastes.

(What, it's a fragment of my childhood? It's useless and kind of frightening but hangable? Put it on the wall!)

I've stopped trying to fight the tangents. My mind is actually scientifically proven to be a giant tangent, nothing more, so I figure, why not just go with it?

Back to my original recollection, though, Ms. ________ used to say "Alright," with this weird look in her eye, drawing out the 'i' until it almost needed its own house. And I'm not going to lie, it kind of freaked me out. Or maybe it was the fact that she made me cry during a Collaborative Report** reading comprehension test and, though I repressed the memory, I never quite let it go. Good times.

This blog didn't really have a point so I feel like I should leave you with something of significance like the news that I unknowingly payed taxes *** or am planning a trip to visit my sister in Calgary (March 25 here I come). Or maybe I should just tell you to stay gold.

Yeah. That's right Ms. _______. I may not speak French despite what you tried to teach me and I may not be planning to graduate but I am a functional member of society and I am going places. Many spectacular places so don't condescend on me anymore. I am beyond you.

Okay, I took that to a somewhat odd place. What (are) you going to do?

*If you are like my friends who think that you cannot do something unconsciously whilst conscious I must tell you: YOU ARE WRONG!
**Homeschooler lingo for 'This is to report to the government regarding whether your parents are making you stoopid or not.'
***I should definitely look into that.

Disjunct

. . .is a word that would be worth 68 points* in Scrabble, and is also the main adjective that could be used to describe this blog post.

-- Borders (the bookstore chain, operating no stores in Canada, that I frequent) is going bankrupt. Sad times. I realize that with some searching I could easily find an indie book shop to support, but sad times nonetheless. Google won't tell me if the one nearest my location is closing, and the suspense is killing me.**

-- The internet has offered me a new fascination: xkcd. Nerdy, and poorly drawn!*** In some ways, though, the subject matter of some comics makes me feel insufficiently nerdy. (Example: I have never seen the entirety of any Star Wars film.) But, as John says, Nerdfighterdom has no prerequisites.

-- It's getting warmer here, and the evidence of Snowpocalypse is slowly disappearing. Much as I hated it when it was new, now I'm starting to miss it. Funny how that happens.

-- I get to wear pajamas to school on Monday. In the spirit/support of the "Turnabout"**** dance I won't be attending, but I don't care. It's a good excuse.

Footnotes*****:

* According to the North American rules, assuming no score-multiplying tiles were covered.

** Not literally.

*** I feel some sort of kindred spirit in the creators of crappily drawn things.

**** Film and television call this a Sadie Hawkins dance. Why won't real life take its cue from them?

***** I haven't been using many footnotes lately. FIX'D.

How To Not Work On Your Novel

I feel like I've been falling into a certain brand of sameness in my blogging habits lately so it mix it up, here is a How To.

I was trying to think of things I know how to do and a lot of them ended up in this instructional blog as steps. On a slightly related side note, at a talent show last month, I did a horribly spontaneous dance to a High School Musical song and then lamented that I have no tangible talents. I've come to realize I do have talents, they're just somewhat unconventional.

Behold, How To Not Work On Your Novel:

1. If you want a real first step, skip down to the last step.
2. Go on YouTube. There must be a couple videos in your subscription box that you originally weren't interested in watching but will now because even a ten minute long D3P0 episode is better than the alternative.*
3. Make some chocolate chip pancakes. You need sustenance, princess. You'll get around to that novel after you've been nourished by the chocolatey goodness.
4. Consider opening your novel document on your computer. 
5. Decide against it.
6. Check Twitter. Sort through backlogged mj posts until you feel like you're in on the inside jokes again.
7. Write a blog.
8. Make a playlist on iTunes. Every other one is at least two months old and your music needs have changed. Label the playlist 'writing.'
9. DANCE PARTY.
10. Practice ukulele. Practice makes perfect or some such other cliche bullshit. Learn a new song or two. Feel good about your talent. Sing along off key. It's all good.
11. Organize your closet. You must have order!!
12. Sort through your email and respond to the ones you meant to but didn't. It's been six days. You should be ashamed of yourself, you hypocrite.
13. Write a letter to your sister and then walk to the post office and send it. (Yes, I am cool and old fashioned/clinging to a practice of apparent obsolescence like that.)
14. Spend hours on Hank and John's VYou.com pages. Oh God. Everything you never thought you wanted to know until this very second. Bliss.
15. Start writing a shiny, pretty, fresh, special, incredibly, amazing, NEW novel.
16. Don't write a novel in the first place. Consider the futility of it all and opt out at the earliest possible stage.

*What's the alternative? Hush child, you don't want to scare the others with your rebellious thinking.