reality and belief

I don't know when Santa stopped being as real to me. I never remember asking my parents if Santa was real and, if I did, I doubt I got a straight answer. No, my question was, "Mom, do you believe in Santa?"

If there's something I really value, it's my mom's opinion. And sometimes this is useful and nice; I love the support and sureness she can give me. But sometimes it's crushing. I have this down to a stream of logic. I think it makes sense yet despite knowing it, it can still hurt to feel it in action.

In action: I like something (ex. Taylor Swift songs) > my mom voices a negative opinion of it > I am offended and hurt. Why? Because I care. I care what she thinks and when she disapprove of something I like, it's like she disapproves of a part of me, which stings.

There. Logic. Even knowing that, though, I can't quite detach myself from the pain of knowing it's not me she doesn't like. But back to Santa.

Maybe I asked my mom if she believed (rather than if Santa was real) because I knew reality is fragile and I didn't care if Santa was real or not. All I cared about was my mom's opinion. And so that's what I asked for.

I'm struggling with reality lately. Is this worrying to anyone? I just don't know if there's anything that *isn't* real. Or, on the flip side, if anything at all is real? Even dreams and imaginings are real, right? Or are they? Like Harry Potter and... you guys. You're real, right? Or are you some figment of my imagination created by my subconscious in the vivid dream that I'm currently having?

How can I know? I can't.

This is what becomes of me when I don't have a topic or anything on my mind really except working tomorrow (which I'm excited about, weirdly). But I remember when Vita said she likes reading my blogs even if they are somewhat meandering and pointless. I don't mean pointless in a bad way, just in a 'I don't know if there is a point to any of this, thesis less' kind of way. So I'll sign off.

Merry Christmas. Think of me tomorrow, packing groceries in the madness.

Oh wait! SKYPE. WHEN ARE YOU FREE? Sorry, excited. Anyway, I am.... not really that available after Christmas. I'm working on Boxing Day and then going away from Monday-Wednesday next week. But if you guys want to Skype sometime on Christmas Day or Boxing day after 6:00PST, that would be cool. Otherwise, it'll have to be after the 29th. Yeah. Let me know.