Sunday, December 12, 2010

forever unfinished?

Lately, I've been starting a lot more blog posts than I've been finishing. I guess this may be some kind of symbolism for my life--but no, I finish things. Things like knitting projects and novels, both written and read. Is the way I spend my time indicative of my priorities or do my priorities indicate how I spend time? And is it possible for me to care about the things I don't commit to spending time on or does the fact that I chose not to spend time on it mean those things aren't important?

I ask so many questions. In this way, I should be producing a blog a day but the thing is, I suppose, that you can only ask so many questions at a time. My opinions on everything lately are half formed, with flimsy arguments and I can't make up anything definitive which is why my blog posts have no endings. Everything really is up for debate or recall. As it grows closer to the end of the year, I feel like I should be coming to a few conclusions about life--something to show for my sixteen and a half years on this planet--but all I do is realize how unstable and foggy my world is. Not in an emo, depressed way but in a 'whoa, the world is so big and I'm so small and I really don't know a thing' way. I still pretend that I do know stuff, though.

There have been some interesting situations in my life recently. My mother, due to working in retail at Christmas time, is a bit more fragile and tired than I'm used to. My friends and I are kind of in some sort of peaceful time, while hostility is directed elsewhere. My Ranger group is having a kind of revolution. My oldest sister is coming back from across the pond in a week and two weeks after that, both my older sisters will be leaving, Caitlyn back to England and Rachel to Calgary. At this point, on January 5th, there will be only three of us in my house (an unimaginable number to me, as I've always been used to a living with a bustling 5-6 people and the loudness that brings) and I will be the oldest child. And I can't help like feeling that everything is going to change. Which, as big a fan as I am of the thing itself, is scary.

Obviously, I've turned to dissecting the lyrics and spending a lot of time on Harry Potter.

Things are so much easier in Harry Potter's world. I mean, yes, he's an orphan and, yes, his life is pretty freaking horrible but there are some pretty clear answers to his problems. There's good and there's evil (only not really in the later books, I guess, as Harry starts to actually grow up). There's a quest to be fulfilled. Harry knows what he wants. Also, Harry doesn't really care what people think of him. He has these great, loyal, fierce friends and he knows who he is. There are no passive aggressive emails or cold silences from supposed friends. When Harry says the wrong thing and hurts someone, it's always understandable whereas I have no excuses for when I act horrible.

And yes, I have been thinking about this way to much.

Maybe one day I'll go back and finish those blog posts. Maybe every draft will one day be published. Maybe we should even have a month next month where we clear up the drafts folder on Raving Persuasions. You guys up for the challenge? How about Draft January? Rather than start fresh, we can go back to the start of all of this and finish each other's incomplete messages. Maybe some blogs have to gestate longer than others.

Or maybe some things can just stay unfinished. There's something immensely satisfying about that in a backwards way. Like a '...' sentence that can trail off and go absolutely anywhere.


Vita said...

Actually I really like that Draft January idea... I think it would be fun to comb back through our pasts, as it were. Hahaha especially since most of the posts I never finish are the ones that I write when I'm really tired/angry so they're basically all "WHY ARE PEOPLE SO STUPID I SHOULD PROBABLY GO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE NOW."

So true about HP. Somehow, even though you know he's in the middle of a war, that little messed up world of his seems so irresistibly perfect.

Rena said...

Draft January-- I'm in

Life-- Arg LIFE.

HP-- Fiction is lovely that way.