Thursday, February 10, 2011

How To Not Work On Your Novel

I feel like I've been falling into a certain brand of sameness in my blogging habits lately so it mix it up, here is a How To.

I was trying to think of things I know how to do and a lot of them ended up in this instructional blog as steps. On a slightly related side note, at a talent show last month, I did a horribly spontaneous dance to a High School Musical song and then lamented that I have no tangible talents. I've come to realize I do have talents, they're just somewhat unconventional.

Behold, How To Not Work On Your Novel:

  1. If you want a real first step, skip down to the last step.
  2. Go on YouTube. There must be a couple videos in your subscription box that you originally weren't interested in watching but will now because even a ten minute long D3P0 episode is better than the alternative.*
  3. Make some chocolate chip pancakes. You need sustenance, princess. You'll get around to that novel after you've been nourished by the chocolatey goodness.
  4. Consider opening your novel document on your computer. 
  5. Decide against it.
  6. Check Twitter. Sort through backlogged mj posts until you feel like you're in on the inside jokes again.
  7. Write a blog.
  8. Make a playlist on iTunes. Every other one is at least two months old and your music needs have changed. Label the playlist 'writing.'
  10. Practice ukulele. Practice makes perfect or some such other cliche bullshit. Learn a new song or two. Feel good about your talent. Sing along off key. It's all good.
  11. Organize your closet. You must have order!!
  12. Sort through your email and respond to the ones you meant to but didn't. It's been six days. You should be ashamed of yourself, you hypocrite.
  13. Write a letter to your sister and then walk to the post office and send it. (Yes, I am cool and old fashioned/clinging to a practice of apparent obsolescence like that.)
  14. Spend hours on Hank and John's pages. Oh God. Everything you never thought you wanted to know until this very second. Bliss.
  15. Start writing a shiny, pretty, fresh, special, incredibly, amazing, NEW novel.
  16. Don't write a novel in the first place. Consider the futility of it all and opt out at the earliest possible stage.
*What's the alternative? Hush child, you don't want to scare the others with your rebellious thinking.

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