I was trying to think of things I know how to do and a lot of them ended up in this instructional blog as steps. On a slightly related side note, at a talent show last month, I did a horribly spontaneous dance to a High School Musical song and then lamented that I have no tangible talents. I've come to realize I do have talents, they're just somewhat unconventional.
Behold, How To Not Work On Your Novel:
- If you want a real first step, skip down to the last step.
- Go on YouTube. There must be a couple videos in your subscription box that you originally weren't interested in watching but will now because even a ten minute long D3P0 episode is better than the alternative.*
- Make some chocolate chip pancakes. You need sustenance, princess. You'll get around to that novel after you've been nourished by the chocolatey goodness.
- Consider opening your novel document on your computer.
- Decide against it.
- Check Twitter. Sort through backlogged mj posts until you feel like you're in on the inside jokes again.
- Write a blog.
- Make a playlist on iTunes. Every other one is at least two months old and your music needs have changed. Label the playlist 'writing.'
- DANCE PARTY.
- Practice ukulele. Practice makes perfect or some such other cliche bullshit. Learn a new song or two. Feel good about your talent. Sing along off key. It's all good.
- Organize your closet. You must have order!!
- Sort through your email and respond to the ones you meant to but didn't. It's been six days. You should be ashamed of yourself, you hypocrite.
- Write a letter to your sister and then walk to the post office and send it. (Yes, I am cool and old fashioned/clinging to a practice of apparent obsolescence like that.)
- Spend hours on Hank and John's VYou.com pages. Oh God. Everything you never thought you wanted to know until this very second. Bliss.
- Start writing a shiny, pretty, fresh, special, incredibly, amazing, NEW novel.
- Don't write a novel in the first place. Consider the futility of it all and opt out at the earliest possible stage.
*What's the alternative? Hush child, you don't want to scare the others with your rebellious thinking.