I feel like being controversial today but I'm tired, probably due to the four hours of sleep that I didn't get last night, and my brain isn't functioning along its regular speed. I just typed sleep instead of speed. That is nothing but an excellent example of my lack of thinking capacity.
Now, if you'll excuse the half unconscious rambling that is about to follow, I'd appreciate it. I think it's about time for a free-blog.
Lately, I feel like I've been thrown into a lot of situations that I'm not equipped to handle, psychologically. I don't know if this is my own personal barrier or if my life has actually taken a turn in a direction I hadn't prepared for.
I'm constantly wondering what the solutions are but I can never fully come to resolve on a decision. I know there's no three step program answer that's infallible and uplifting. I know this and yet sometimes I want easy answers too badly. I'm confused every time I turn around and the people surrounding me have become ten times more complex.
Is this what growing up is?
Is becoming an adult about maturely disagreeing with your parents and making your own choices for you? Is it about looking at all the problems you face and admitting that you aren't sure what to do? Is it about realizing independence or is it about admitting to codependency?
I know life isn't a piece of cake, or if it is, sometimes the cake is challenging and upsetting and mind whirling. Things get thrown at you that you're not ready for and you have to figure it out. Still, knowing this is a lot different than experiencing it. It's completely different when your expectations are actually crumbling until you don't know what's left anymore. And I don't mean that in a depressing way. I just mean that things aren't always what they look like and people aren't usually who they seem. That's my reality these days.
I always used to think I was ridiculously mature for my age. And I was but now I'm maturing in a different way. It's scary but exciting and frustrating but exhilarating. Teenagers have some difficult stuff to deal with but I think we can all agree that there are some pretty neat-o parts. Shifting mental frameworks and ideas at the speed of thought is one of those things.
The only thing I'm really sure of doing is moving on. I may not know exactly what the right way to deal with the task at hand is, if there even is a right way at all, but I know that tomorrow I'll be okay and I'm going to keep doing the best I can, while I figure out what the best I can even is.
I keep telling myself that I'm enough. I'm hoping that one of these days it'll sink in.
1 comment:
I feel like however I feel now, I'll look back at myself in 10 years and wonder why I was so stressed/anxious/self-conscious all the time or why I couldn't just "live in the moment," as they say. I wouldn't say I'm mature for my age because I think that a lot of 16 & 17 year olds are reasonably mature; I'd honestly say that most are on the more mature side -- by which I mean, we're as mature as we can be, because no matter how hard we try, we're not going to grow up any faster than we do. For example, and there was an article in the WaPo magazine recently, senior women in colleges are less aggressive (note the difference between "aggressive" & "assertive") than freshmen women & often look back and go, "Wow, I got worked up over such pointless things when I was younger." So I think that right now we're going to get mixed up and get worked up over pointless things even when they don't seem pointless to us right now, and for the most part that's okay, because that's part of being a teenager.
Right now I feel like I'm floating through space, I don't know where I am or where I'm going or how I'm going to get there, but I'm confident that I'll eventually reach my destination, wherever that may be.
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