In which I speak my mind

I had something else in mind to write about today (which I can't remember anyway, so I suppose this works out) but then I had an epiphany. Before 11 o'clock in the morning. I couldn't believe that so much could change before noon. Then it did. As for a disclaimer, this is going to get pretty crazy and I'll try not to drag on for too long but no promises.

People (i.e. my sisters, my friends) used to say I was mean. It was part joke, part true. By mean, I'm pretty sure they meant frank, honest and opinionated with a streak of deprecating humour. Sometimes I say mean things as a joke and I've realized now that it isn't always perceived asfunny. So I'm working on changing and thinking about the affect of my words people. But that's not the point.

The point is that I realized that the reason I can say whatever I want is that I'm comfortable. I'm comfortable with myself and who I am and also with the people around me who I say these things, too. Somehow I can trust them not to run away from me because of something I say. And that's good right? Kind of.

The thing is, I think people are afraid of that part of me. We, as a culture, have built up this world where honesty isn't valued, it's ugly. You have to hide how you feel in case it hurts someone and you can't be who you are if that means stepping on other people's toes. We all care way too much about how we're perceived and so instead of speaking our minds, we hide from each other and never really express ourselves.

But that's the end for me. I've decided I'm going embrace this new idea and really be whoever I am*. I know there's a fine line between being mean and being unafraid to say what you want, what you think and how you feel, but I'm going to walk it. And I'm not even scared that people won't like this shift in my personality because I completely respect and stand by my own decision. I wish more people could feel the way I do about myself right now. It's so freaking exciting.

Because even when people told me I was mean and I sort of agreed with them, it was okay with me. My supposed 'mean-ness' was just another part of me that I understood and even though everyone else didn't say it in a positive fashion**, I eventually stopping taking it as an insult***, just as a fact. I'd rather be seen as a mean person who stands up for herself than an agreeable person who never really says what she believes. All I want is to try to align myself with my values and this, I think, is how.

So wish me luck.

*who the fuck that is, I have no idea.

**and, who knows, maybe everyone's dislike of this quality in me really stemmed from the fact that they wished they felt as comfortable speaking their opinions.

***I did, at first, try to be *less mean* even though I didn't really think I was being mean in the first place.