Wednesday, January 26, 2011

3/12/10 - people and odd emotional surges

Vita: You know those days when you're just pissed off at everybody for no good reason? 

Alex: And you know those other days when you seem to piss everybody off by simply being the "yourself" that every sane yet slightly delusional adult TELLS YOU TO DO?

And what about those days you're so emotional that thinking about anything or anyone for too long makes you cry?

And what about the days that your mother has a very negative energy about her but you insist on confronting her with your feelings because you want to be validated and you want your mom to know that and be perfect and just give you the only thing that you want?

I. Am. An. Emotional. Wreck/Invalid/Basket case/Ignoramus. 

And sometimes it comforts me to tell this to the internet.

I feel like now I'm supposed to right some sort of inspirational message but believe me when I say that I have none of the answers. I don't know you. I can't fix your relationships. I'm still trying to make my own okay. It's hard.

I am rather flawed. I love who I am but I know that I can be mean/angsty/argumentative/bossy/angry/obnoxious/WHATEVER. I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter. You can't change the way I am any more than I can change the way you are. And why would we even want to?

I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know so many things. Sometimes it's nice to pretend I do, though.

On those days when everyone I interact with makes me want to punch something, I feel horrible. I can't just be mean to people and have everyone hate me. I'm not good at angry; I'm way better at sad. Sometimes I wish I could wear a sign saying "Don't mind me, I'm just angry today and I don't really mean anything I do/say, I'm just taking it out on you and you don't deserve it so let me apologize in advance but yes, I'm still going to act like this. And don't ask me if I want to talk about it because there is no reason that I am currently aware of that is a plausible explanation for this. Blame hormones, if you must." Until I get that sign, I'll keep feeling bad afterwards.

I'm been doing yoga and meditation lately but I can't tell if it's helping. Meh, we'll see.

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