For some reason, my father recently decided to "lay down the law" and tell me what I could expect to receive by the way of financial support for my as-of-yet nonexistent wedding. I was like, Dad, you realize that I am a) not engaged and b) fifteen**, right? Apparently this didn't mean anything to him, so I now have a nice set of guidelines.
Father: We [him and my mother] are offering you a nice wedding at Saint Paul's (the "family church").
Me: Dad, I'm not getting married.
Father: No, listen. It would be a nice service, a thousand-dollar organ, a reception hall upstairs...
Me: Dad, I'm really not getting married.
Father: Plus, it's nearby!
Me: Dad, by the time I would feasibly be getting married, I probably won't be living around here anymore anyway, so that wouldn't really be convenient for me...
Father: Well, that's what we're offering.
Me: What if I don't want to get married there?
Father: Okay, but it's a good starting point. We're willing to help you pay for that.
Me: ...And if I paid for my own wedding...
Father: It's difficult to keep costs down.
What the hell, father? I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED. Also, I'm definitely not getting married in Saint Paul's, partially because I plan to move to either Oregon, Washington, or New England and would rather not come all the way back down to DC just for a stupid wedding. DC is a depressing place to get married, what?
Actually, it got me thinking about where I WOULD get married. A church is traditional and everything, but I'm not Christian so that would be kind of awkward. The priest would be all "ohai, do u luv teh God?" and I'd be like "idk if iz real soooooo lolwut."
Whatevs. My dad's not controlling or anything; I'm pretty sure he was partially joking. On the other hand, he was definitely at least three-fifths serious. I was like, I will pay for your plane tickets, leave me alone, thank you.
PS, Valentine's Day = the worst time to get married, PLUS it's cruel to your single-and-depressed wedding guests. Especially if you get divorced; you would never be able to enjoy the cheap stuffed bears and crappy chocolate again! Noooooooooooo!
** and eight months, bitchezzzz. I COULD HYPOTHETICALLY GET MY DRIVING PERMIT NEXT MONTH (I should work on that, dayum. It snuck up on me). While we're on the subject, can I ask you guys what the driving laws are like in your area? Because over here we have to be 15 and 9 months to apply for a driving permit, then sixteen and 3 months to get your provisional license and seventeen and nine months (I think) to get your full license. You have to have 60 hours of driving practice and all sorts of fun stuff before you can get your provisional. I always thought this was standard for most of the states except for, like, Nebraska and crap (rural states whoooooooo) except apparently IT'S NOT.
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In 'Super Natural British Columbia' you can get your learner's permit (L) at 16 (3 months! woot!) after doing a written test and then you have it for a year (you have to have another driver in the car and such). After a year you do the driving test, you get your class seven, I think, (N) and you have that for a year and then you possibly do another driving test for your class five normal license.
And that is the path to a license.
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