I'm studying for my AP US History unit test at the mo. Here is some of what I have learned this year, condensed:
Once upon a time, the Earth is formed. Shortly thereafter, a fellow called Christopher Columbus discovers what he thinks is India, i.e. America. However, he didn't actually discover this land, and he was also sort of a wimpy bitch, so he doesn't actually matter, and Columbus Day is a stupid holiday that I don't even get off school for.
After a century or two, some Puritans hop on a boat and sail to Plymouth in the hopes of inspiring England to reform its church after seeing this glorious model city... which was thousands of miles away... and tiny... and easy to ignore. The Puritans are a pretty happenin' bunch. For example, they force their citizens to confess their sins in an extremely fun/humiliating/public way before they could become "saints" (church members). Also, Salem has a fun killing spree for a couple of months! GRRR DOWN WITH THE WITCHES! ...Oh, except they weren't actually witches?
It's all good.
More Europeans hop to America and indulge themselves in varying forms of entertainment, such as killing Native Americans. It's a pretty fun party, but sometimes the Native Americans get pissed (crazy, right?) and fight back and kill settlers. And then the settlers attempt to kill twice as many Native Americans. (Continue for the next two hundred years.)
England takes control of the majority of the East Coast and establishes colonies. The colonists are cool with this until some acts are declared, such as the We Can Take All Your Money Under the Guise of Fair Taxes Act. This is not so cool with the colonists, who dump some tea in the ocean and are all GRRRR WAR!
The colonists win this war not so much because they are good at fighting but because they (along with the Spanish and French) somehow outlast the British. Then they create the Articles of Confederation, which is a synonym for Massive Failure. THEN they create the Constitution, and the states are all WHAT THE EFF IS THIS SHIT, but they ratify it anyway.
George Washington is elected president - unanimously - for the first and last time evaaaaaaah, bitches! He offers some sage advice that modern day politicians will try to invoke and largely fail.
Then he leaves office and dies.
Not immediately, nor as a cause/effect type of thing, but still. He dies. Hopefully you knew that there isn't any three hundred year old former president running around.
2 comments:
This is funny. And I learned something, too. *gasp*
It kind of reminds me of what I'm doing in social studies right now which is summarizing Canada's history. Perhaps I will do something like this on Thursday.
I've always suspected Columbus was an asshole. Also, 200-ish years of being oppressed by Britain and crap, we decide to make sure it never happens EVER AGAIN by doing the EXACT SAME THING to Puerto Rico/Cuba/Hawaii... except it's cool, because now we're the ones with the money so yayz.
(w00t imperialism. Also more wars and death.)
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