I blogged about this very issue before. And I'm not sure if anyone agreed with me but by the end of this, I hope that you will. Otherwise, I feel bad for your children, should you have them now or at any point in the future. Commence the Love Your Child argument.
In our culture, we have this weird idea that you can spoil a child by giving it too much attention, love and possessions*. The Princeton web definition of spoiled is: "Having the character or disposition harmed by pampering or oversolicitous attention." For some reason we think that you can give your child too much attention. That it can feel too cared for. And as a spoiled child, I want to say that I like it. I am so happy knowing that whenever I call out for help, my mom and dad will be there. Whether I'm crying in my room or stranded at a party, I can count on them. Why is that a bad thing?
Babies have basic needs. Yes, food and diapers, but that's not it. As well as physical needs they also have emotional ones. They need you. So if you've just sat down to have a cup of tea while they nap and then they start crying but when you go check on them they're not hungry and don't need to be changed maybe they just needed you. Maybe they were lonely, or scared or just wanted their parent and how could you ignore those needs just before you can't see them? How could you say that they're less important, irrelevant and worthy of being dismissed?
So anyway there's this pervasive idea that if you make a habit of going to your child every time it cries, it will become accustomed to that and start to cry just to see you. But what I'm asking is why is that a bad thing? It wants to see you. It needs you. Babies aren't manipulative or conniving. They don't lie there and think about how they can make their parents miserable. Or at least, I don't think they do. If your baby cries just to see you, maybe it's saying it wants to see you more.
Why do we think a child that feels loved is bad? Why is it if an infant can count on their parents to listen to it, we see that child as spoiled, harmed and overindulged?
I really don't know. What I do know is that whenever I hear a baby crying, I can't stand it. It's like listening to someone ask for help and be disregarded. And maybe I'm getting overly metaphorical here but wouldn't the world be a less sucky place if we all listened to each other's needs?
So yeah, when I was a baby, my mom came to see me whenever I cried. Did that harm my disposition? Technically, we can't know that it didn't, but I'm going to guess that I'm a healthier person because of it. Even as an infant, feeling cared for is important. And I love my parents. I trust them and yes, they irritate the shit out of me sometimes, but I know they'll never ignore me. So thanks for spoiling me, parents.
*And though I agree that you should not give a child everything it asks for, I do think you should give it everything it needs. So I'm not saying BUY YOUR KIDS LOTS OF TOYS AND CELL PHONES AND CARS OR ELSE. I'm saying GIVE YOUR CHILD A HUG. (Sorry for the CAPS)
2 comments:
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I mostly agree with you. However, I think it depends on the kid. When they're in their "terrible twos," some kids always need to be comforted during a tantrum; others just need to be left alone. I'd think that leaving them alone would be a last resort, of course, but some kids just need time and space to calm the heck down, especially when they're older.
That said, with babies I do agree that you should check on them when they start crying. And by "you" I mean "a parent or guardian" (in most cases I'd imagine it would likely be a parent, though) not JUST mom or JUST dad.
P.S., in my humble opinion, I don't think paying attention to a baby is "spoiling" them, I think... it's... good... parenting. xD "Oversolicitous attention" is not a good thing. It's not being loving; it's being smothering. Sure, you want your child to be happy, but if you give into every thing that they ask for, you are going to ruin their lives (assuming that they ask for stuff at all... which pretty much everybody does). Not to be overdramatic or anything, haha, but seriously - not creating boundaries for children is a recipe for disaster. I am very strongly opposed to actually spoiling your kids because then they will probably grow up to be annoying little bitches who are completely screwed when it comes to Real Life Without Parents.
BUT I don't think that babies CAN be spoiled... like... it's not possible. It's only when they get to be 4 or 5 that you really even have to start worrying about them potentially being spoiled (says the 16 year old girl with no children). And that doesn't mean you can ever flat-out ignore your kids or not give them something purely for the sake of "toughening them up."
When I told my mum the "leave your baby crying or else they'll be spoiled" story she gave me an odd look and said, "That's an old wives tale." So, I'm not sure if you're supposed to go to the baby or not.
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